Sometimes I want that

Hey guysss. Don’t kill me. I’m back. With a very short post. But I guess I’ve been feeling a little sick in more than one way. I’ve been drowning in my studies. It’s a miracle I’m still a somewhat functioning person. I’ll try my hardest to be more active. Thanks for waiting:)

But sometimes I want that

Not just the good days, but also the bad days. The early days when you can’t help but look at them because they’re your person and the later days when you still can’t believe it but you’re so comfortable and you can’t remember how it would be without them.

The days when you have fights because of something stupid and the days when one of you is so tired and on the verge of breaking down.

The days when it feels so heavy you feel like giving up, but then a picture shows up in your memories reel and you remember how happy you were and you feel like fighting again.

The days when you used to sit together with your friends at a restaurant and be the loudest group, in the verge of being thrown out.

The days when you had fun with just normal food, but it tasted so much better because you were together. When you used to steal food from each other’s plates while the other pretended to be angry

Watching that dumb sitcom together because the other one liked it. Or watching a sport you had no clue about but slowly started learning about because they’re so excited about it.

Being there for each other over and over and over.

All of them.

Alright… I think I’m done being all mushy(is that even a word?), lol. I hope you guys are staying safe during these trying times. I’ll see you guys very soon. 🙂

– SB

See you next time 🙂

Instagram – @sri_bala_s

Partner?

Before you start, I just thought I should give a little explanation or warning or whatever you want to call it: (if you wanna ignore it just skip over the whole bold portion lol)

Okay, so this whole thing is sort of just a rant and I’ve been in a sort of toxic dynamic where either I or they put their entire happiness on the other’s hands and the whole thing goes up in flames. Please don’t think I’m saying those in relationships shouldn’t exactly be in one if they’re depressed or sad. Because if that was the case, literally no one would be in a relationship because its basically impossible. Anyway, I just thought I should sort of give a little explanation or heads up I guess. This is just a depression rant.

I’m not in a happy place

Not in a good place.

And while having a partner definitely sounds nice, it wouldn’t be fair.
To them, or to me.

It wouldn’t be fair for a person to have the gravity of someone else’s happiness in their hands.

Because its hard enough to take care of one’s own.

And I know. Its hard. And sometimes a partner is exactly what you need during those times. Just to support you. To hold you. To makes things a little bit clearer.

But when you put your happiness in someone else’s hands completely, they drop it. Every time. And it is heavy. It isn’t their fault. Or yours.

It goes both ways. You can make each other happy. But the whole thing shouldn’t be in a way where only YOU can make them happy and it is YOU who has to face the consequences. It should be in a way where you’re there when they’re happy and you help them get to their happy place.

As for me, I’m a warped sort of person who would rather be sad alone. I wouldn’t want to put someone through that. Because I’ve never been the type to put my stuff on someone else (mainly cause I’m the someone to most people). I’ve done that putting-the-weight-on-someone-else thing before and it isn’t pretty. Or fair.

It’s all about sharing.

Just… at the end of the day, it’s all about support. Some days you might have to pull 80% of the weight and that’s okay. It can’t always be 50-50. Because both of you will have some days where you are just tired. At the end of the day, be in a relationship because you wholly want to be with that person. If you’re not sure, tell them. Please please don’t lead a person to think there is more there than there is. It isn’t fair.

And if you do decide to wholly love them, then that’s great. There’s now a person who will smile with you during your happy times and hold your hand during the sad times. And it is truly a wonderful feeling when you’ve found them.

Until then, just hold on. And if you choose to be alone, hey, join the club. Its alright. It’s your decision. At the end of the day, there are people who love you. And when you get where you want, don’t forget them.

I don’t know why I wrote this. Probably cause I’m having another depressive episode. Anyway, I love you and take care. And if you have found your person, hold them tight and treat them right.

– SB

See you next time 🙂

The end #Fiction(10)

Is the end really the end?

Or is it just the beginning?

Is the end the beginning of a new world of possibilities?

Or is it just a cause of our actions?

What is the true end I wonder.

Is it death?

Or is the the moment you start to wonder

About sadness and death.

The true end,

to me

Is when you stop feeling

So whenever you feel things again… aren’t you also beginning again?

I wonder

What really is the end?

For the energy of the world remains constant throughout.

So nothing ever ends.

Or is it that nothing ever begins?

The soul never truly dies but only changes in form.

I wonder.

What is the end to you?

– SB

Hey guys. I don’t know if I want to call this a poem or not. Just consider it a part of the random musings I have.

Hope you’ve been having a beautiful day.

See you soon!

Cyclone #Fiction(9)

Two days ago when I saw the news

I realised…

There is a cyclone coming for my city.

It should scare me, but it doesn’t.

How can it scare me,

When there’s a cyclone in my mind?

A constant swirling motion of thoughts

That never slow down.

At the end of the day

When the wind begins picking up

I welcome it

For chaos meets chaos finally.

The wind picks up my hair, and it feels like an embrace.

A violent hug that matches the chaos in my mind.

-SB

Hey guys. Very short poem for you today

Real talk, a cyclone did just hit us and it was… something.

I hope you guys stay safe and I’ll see you next time.

Follow me on wix – https://sribalas12.wixsite.com/complicatedmess

Instagram – sri_bala_s

2 A.M #Fiction(8) [the line is blurry:)]

Its 2 am.

God. Its already been five hours since I got into bed and I haven’t slept a wink.

We don’t talk anymore. I guess its not the whole cause but part of the cause for why I can’t sleep.

I don’t know. I don’t know how I was so stupid to trust you when you said you would stay. When you said you could be trusted. People like me… don’t trust easily.

But why is it that when we do we give it to the wrong person?

I haven’t slept a wink since then. Not that I slept before that but it became a lot worse. I stopped eating. It was all worse than before.

I let myself go.

All because I trusted the wrong person.

Tell me, was I just a backup the whole time? Because I was forgiving so many times before, did I bring it upon myself? The pain and the lies.

I guess I was a convenient replacement but you didn’t expect me to turn away when I had enough.

It has been almost two years since I closed myself off. Any attempt to reach out on your side was to fill your pride and vanity and tinged with a layer of glass shards.

That day when you “cried” and said you didn’t know and you missed the signs and they didn’t tell you, was a lie. You said you’d work to gain it back, swore it to my mother and yet you did nothing. You thought, if you spoke with your poisonous silver tongue, I would fall for it again?

Remember when I waited to talk things through but you went and blabbered your nonsense to our friends? Behind my back? That was when I knew. Any ounce of care I thought you had was a lie.

Its 2 am.

I’m still awake. I’m no longer hurting. Not as much as I was then.

I have a steel cage around my heart.

I might wish things were different but I know I’m better this way and one day I’ll prove it to myself that I didn’t need you.

And that day, I’ll be able to sleep again.

– SB

Hey. Yeah I know. Let’s call it fiction for the sake of it. 🙈

This is for those out there who has been betrayed before and lost yourself for a while because you never thought they would.

You are pure. You are wonderful. You don’t need them.

With time, you’ll love yourself again. Until then, please treat yourself with kindness.

Follow me on wix – https://sribalas12.wixsite.com/complicatedmess

Instagram – sri_bala_s

Wish I could sleep [for the insomniac] #Fiction(7)

“Sleep is overrated”, they say.

But how could it be so?

Because when you lay

No one would really know

The scenes that play,

Like the way streams flow.

You could be in another world,

Where you live your happy fantasies.

A land where even the clouds can twirl,

And there are no tragedies.

Or you could be living your own nightmare

Where you’re fighting to survive.

A place where your worst monsters stare

And you struggle to thrive.

Whether it’s a nightmare

Or a fantasy

Being able to sleep is rare,

For me it won’t come so naturally.

For an insomniac

Or for those plagued by unknown demons,

Dreams are an attack or a clapback that throw you off track

But you don’t have to understand our reasons.

At the end of the day,

Most of us envy you.

You whose dreams are rarely grey

And where you love the view.

This is rare for us,

So simple for you.

We see it as a plus.

We wish we could dream like you too.

Oh I wish I could sleep and dream,

Of wonderful escapes, away from the screams.

So is it overrated?

Or is it just something so wonderful taken for granted?

– SB

Hey guys, back with another poem. This one goes out to all the insomniacs and sleep deprived people out there.

I suppose, sometimes we all wish we could dream too.

See you soon. (Also, the line between fiction and reality is very blurry, if you haven’t noticed yet  )

Follow me on wix – https://sribalas12.wixsite.com/complicatedmess

Instagram – sri_bala_s

I miss you #Fiction(6)

I miss you.
Its true.
I guess I’ve been feeling blue.
But I know you don’t even have a clue.

It was cruel,
How you left.
Crying, breaking, mind-numbingly painful.
All you were there for was a theft.

A thief,
Of my sanity,
My belief.
Proved your inhumanity.

You see,
Even if you broke me,
I’m still human. Feeling as small as a pea,
But I never did flee.

I agree, it was stupid of me.
To think you cared.
That you’d hear my plea,
And not leave me impaired.

You stared and stared
But you didn’t see.
With your nostrils flared.
Like I was a flea.

Even through all this brokenness,
I still have something you don’t.
I still feel, even if it is emptiness.
But you don’t.

I might be weak.
But I am strong in that I love
Even when I speak and the tears leak,
I speak with love.

One day… you will realise
How unfair you were.
But when you become “wise”
I won’t be there. I won’t be her.

I have a big heart.
But that doesn’t mean I stay
While you tear it apart
And lead me astray.

I miss you,
I know.
But I still flew,
Even through the snow.

I miss you I miss you
But I don’t need you.
And in that thought,
I won.

– SB

Hey guys. I’m back with another poem. I guess this is meant for those of you who have been emotionally manipulated or deeply hurt by a person. You reach a point where even though you miss them, you know they’re not good for you.

If you relate to this poem, I’m sorry. And I promise you , it will get better. I love you.🖤

See you next time.

Follow me on wix – https://sribalas12.wixsite.com/complicatedmess

Instagram – sri_bala_s

Create the change #Fiction(5)

“I want to change this… but how?” I wondered. Deep in thought, I didn’t notice her sit beside me.

“What are you thinking about, my dear?” She asked. The beautiful woman. My mother. Someone whose beauty I can never hope to achieve, inside and out. She was a warrior, a protector, a lover. Anyway, I’m digressing.

“I don’t know how to explain it Ma… it’s complicated.”

“Try.”

“Well, you know how our classes happen right?” She nodded. “Something disturbing is going on. You see, there are some… people who are completely disregarding mental health and privacy. To make matters worse, they mock them. Some of us want to make a change, but you know, from your own struggles, its not really possible.”

She took a deep breath. “So that’s what’s bothering you. So, these people, I think I know who you’re talking about, they’re people meant to protect you am I right?” I nodded. “And they’re being disrespectful, in what way?”

“Well… Some of them shame us. Some… make fun of those with mental issues. And… I know what that feels like. I want to change it, but the system is so against us, that if we were to take a step, it would do more harm than good.”

“Harm as in?”

“Well, for starters, there would be no change, thanks to the rules and regulations. But the repercussions… they would include blacklisting. I can’t put those who also support this cause in trouble. The system is crafted in a way, that as students, we can’t say anything. Makes us feel powerless… how can we change things if we don’t have it even as an option?”

“My dear, I know how you feel. You know, I’ve organised protests and such back in my day. And you know the backlash you get. Those in power will do anything to stay in power my dear. You see, they will preach freedom and courage as long as you stay within their lines. And mental health wasn’t as big now as it was then.”

“I understand, but how do we make things better for those who come after?”

“You can. Just work for it. Maybe not today. But show love and support for yourself and those who are down and can’t speak for themselves. Work till you get in a position to change things for them. This isn’t a change that happens overnight.”

“I suppose you’re right. I’m just tired mum, of fighting this battle that we have no chance of winning.” I sighed.

“You know why I named you so, love?”

“No mum.”

” I named you Elysia because it reminds me of the word elysian. It means beautiful, creative and peaceful. So my love, you will find your own creative way to deliver peace to those around you. The fact that you’re thinking of those around you makes me very proud. And always remember. Good things come to those who wait. 

“Thank you Mum. I think… I feel better now. I just have to keep supporting them. Someday, we’ll change it. We’ll change the system. Thank you, I love you.”

“Love you too my dear.”

– SB

Hey guys… back with another short story/ conversation. Whatever you want to call it. This is partly inspired by a conversation I had with my mother. (PS if you’ve read the importance of a name, you’d know my name isn’t Elysia but it is a very beautiful name)

I was (safe to say) very disappointed in the system and the way we were being treated and the words my mother said that day stuck with me.

We will create change. One day. We won’t stop till we make the world a better place.

From another frustrated, yet hopeful, student.

Thank you for reading. See you soon.

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Instagram – sri_bala_s

MONSTERS (warrior women) #Fiction(4)

Blood dripping from my knuckles,

Eyes sunken deep.

Sweet smell like honeysuckles,

Awake even when you’re asleep.

Years of being put in a box

That’s where the revolution starts.

Trained our eyes like hawks,

All just to protect our parts.

They made the world unsafe,

Filled it with evil and pain.

Even those meant to keep us safe

Misused the trust for their own gain.

Centuries of being locked

Changed something in us.

A feral part unlocked

Just to fight for us thus.

Fighting for our survival

Since the day of our arrival.

Born or changed as daughters,

Left alone to wade through deep waters.

You call me a monster?

Oh, but darling, I’m a survivor.

(For society will not fight for us,

We will fight for us)

-SB

Hey guys. I’m back with another poem. This one inspired by how women have to fight for their safety and survival.

As a woman, if I or another woman ever fights back or raise our voice, we are labelled as “feral” or “monsters”.

But, in order to survive and live, we have to fight to protect ourselves.

So I guess, thinking about the whole patriarchal, misogynistic side of the world… I came up with this.

Hope you liked it! See you soon!

Follow me on wix – https://sribalas12.wixsite.com/complicatedmess

Instagram – sri_bala_s